ages

about me:

i’m 16 years old. i’m a junior at a predominantly white high school. i haven’t yet accessed nor acknowledged my heritage, and when a korean girl breaks my heart this year, i’ll swear off our culture in its entirety. i’m 5 foot 6, 130 pounds, and skinny. i get A’s, B’s, B minuses in my classes. i don’t know my strengths. i’m in love with a thousand different girls and a handful of guys. i hate myself. i lie to my parents. i shame my family. i live and love circumstantially, drawing breath wherever i can.

i don’t know who i am, and i expect people that i care deeply about who care little for me to tell me who i am.

about me:

i’m 18 years old. i’m a first year in college, excited to write and live on my own. i breathe. i break up with my high school girlfriend and get a new one. i make a couple of friends and don’t make anymore. i’m still figuring out who i am. i’m still painfully shy and awkward. i write shitty line after shitty line of poetry, until one day it isn’t so bad. away from my family, i unshoulder the burden of our collective shame and guilt. i come back for therapy sessions, angry with all the reasons my parents can’t accept me, angry from having it all, then being forced to come back to a hometown where nobody knows me.

i’m depressed and furious and in love with my new life, in love with school for the first time. i’m learning how to write, and how to know myself. i know how to give myself grace.

about me:

i’m 20 years old and trying to apply for jobs. i’m nervous because of the requirements of my legal name but have nevertheless secured a job on campus working as a tour guide. my career counselor tells me i can use my preferred name on applications and some of the apprehension fades. i give tours, i’m wildly anxious, but it pushes me out of my comfort level and allows me to speak to strangers with ease. my first-year girlfriend and i mutually break up because we’re growing apart and i’m making new friends. i finally feel like i have a place in life and i know who i am. i no longer cry when people critique my work in class. i talk to people at parties. i start going to the gym and cooking more and try to take care of myself.

i’m a person who desires change and delivers. i’m growing and building healthy relationships, with myself and others. i feel the best i’ve been in my entire life.

about me:

i’m 23 years old and trying to figure out how to navigate post-grad life. i move back in with my family and take on the position of full-time dog dad of two. i work at a korean barbeque place most nights, improving my understanding of the korean language and simultaneously hating my korean customers. i learn humility, efficiency, communication, multi-tasking, and how to remain level-headed under intense pressure. most days, i feel helpless against the onslaught of applications and rejections. i drink with friends who feel the same way. we applaud the little victories and silently mull over the losses. i help out with friends’ new businesses, invest in the startup mindset, support wherever i can. i gain new hobbies, like sewing and bowling and establishing myself as the alpha of my dogs. i’m a little lonely, i’m honest, i don’t hold anything back.

i know myself better than anyone. i know i’m at my best behind the keyboard, slamming words onto a page. i know how to make people cry, how to give pieces of myself away. i’m immaculate, restless with language, passionate with words. i’ve been writing ever since i was a 6-year-old that couldn’t sleep at night.

and now here i am, at 23, sleepless still, longing to be known.