my life; highway

it was hard to get out of bed today. it's been awhile since i've been like that, but maybe it's because my dreams felt exhausting; full of A and alien abductions, floating on cruise ship concentration camps, trying to download secret files, jump from burning buildings. seeing her in my head doesn't even feel like a punch anymore. A's just there.

i feel like i'm in pieces. like there were cracks in the porcelain all along, and i just kept sticking my fingers in, wiggling around, dislodging shit this way and that. i'm divided amongst myself. reaching out blindly, swishing my hands in the water, searching for the pieces, a reason, any meaning. i guess this is why people look to god. because they're lost, and they want something to believe in. i'm not sure anything great comes out of desperation. like, if the options are drugs, porn, or following god, what do they all have in common? they suck you in and they rarely give you back. dunno if it's a good thing.

head's feeling a little cloudy. all i want to do is stay in this white space, filling unspoken words on a page. nothing i say here is wrong. all the words fit right. trying to talk is tripping over land mines, assessing the correct steps to take to come to the correct conclusion. it's so hard for me to have conversations these days. i feel like a contradiction. i hate authority, but when i feel helpless, all i want to do is shift the responsibility and let somebody else tell me what to do. i want free will and choice, until that fails me and i don't know what else to do. my way as a highway, until i run out of road.